Top 10 Comedy Porn Titles

1. Shaving Ryan's Privates
2. Schindler's Fist
3. Throbbin' Hood
4. Tango and Snatch
5. ET the Extra Testicle
6. Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer's Bone
7. Inspect Her Gadget
8. Ferris Bueller's Jerk Off
9. Jurassic Poke
10. Charlie's Anals

And two more for luck...

11. For Your Thighs Only
12. Romancing The Bone

AND:

13. "In" Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon

Top 10 Favourite Quotes from Films

1. From Airplane:

Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?

2. From Full Metal Jacket:

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do you think I'm cute Private Pyle; do you think I'm funny?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face.
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Well any fucking time sweetheart!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I'm trying, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: ONE! TWO! THREE!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I can't help it, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! Get on your knees scumbag.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Now choke yourself.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Goddamn it, with my hand numb nuts.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Don't pull my fucking hand over there. I said choke yourself; now lean forward and choke yourself.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [choking Pyle] Are you through grinning?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit, I can't hear you.
Private Gomer Pyle: [Louder] Sir, yes, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit, I still can't hear you. Sound off like you've got a pair.
Private Gomer Pyle: SIR, YES, SIR!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That's enough; get on your feet. Private Pyle you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up.
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.

3. From Predator:

Dutch: Dillon. You son of a bitch.
[Dillon and Dutch clasp hands. Both men's biceps strain and they arm wrestle each other]
Dutch: What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?

4. From Clerks:

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.
Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, [Randal looks back at 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom] what was that called again?

5. From Dr. No:

[James Bond's first scene, winning a game of chemin-de-fer]
James Bond: I admire your courage, Miss...?
Sylvia Trench: Trench. Sylvia Trench. I admire your luck, Mr...?
James Bond: Bond. James Bond.

6. From Point Break:

Johnny Utah: Okay. I get it. This is where you tell me that "locals rule", and that Yuppie insects like me shouldn't be surfing the break, right?
Bunker Weiss: [smiling] Nope.
Surf gang: That would be a waste of time...
Lupton "Warchild" Pittman: We're just gonna fuck you up!

7. From Top Gun:

Slider: Goose who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
Goose: The list is long, but distinguished.
Slider: Yeah, well so is my Johnson.

8. From Goldfinger:

Auric Goldfinger: Man has climbed Mount Everest, gone to the bottom of the ocean. He's fired rockets at the Moon, split the atom, achieved miracles in every field of human endeavor... except crime!

9. From Commando:

Cooke: You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.
Matrix: I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry.

10. From The Running Man:

Ben Richards: Now I'm gonna untie you, and then you're gonna get dressed, and then you're gonna come with me.
Amber: Oh yeah? But why should I?
Ben Richards: Because I'm gonna say "please"...
[Arnold tears up the bench Amber is tied to from the floor it was bolted to]
Amber: Well, why didn't you say so?

Top 10 Favourite Scenes from Films

1. The teaser at the beginning of Goldfinger
2. The training montage in Rocky 4
3. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman introduces himself to the recruits in Full Metal Jacket
4. The final assault in Commando, where Arnold kills 88 enemies and only suffers a scratched arm
5. Chilled monkey brains are served up in Temple of Doom
6. Arnold prepares for the final showdown with the Predator
7. Flashback to when Ted and Elaine meet in the disco in Airplane
8. The gimp scene in Pulp Fiction
9. Indy rescues the golden idol at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark
10. The final fight in Bloodsport, where van Damme shows how easy it is to do the splits and punch your opponent in the gonads

Top 10 Favourite Films

I've always found it hard to settle on my definitive top 10, so excuse some hesitation. Here's my latest:

1. Goldfinger
2. Commando
3. Where Eagles Dare
4. Predator
5. Full Metal Jacket
6. Casino
7. Transpotting
8. The Shawshank Redemption
9. Pulp Fiction
10. Mary Poppins

And the rest:

11. Point Break
12. American Pie
13. Airplane
14. Gattaca
15. Y Tu Mama Tambien
16. Weird Science
17. Top Gun
18. Forrest Gump
19. Rocky 4
20. Coming to America

And the others I have to mention:

21. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
22. City of God
23. Raiders of the Lost Ark
24. Flash Gordon
25. Sexy Beast
26. ID
27. Patriot Games
28. The Titfield Thunderbolt
29. Bloodsport
30. Heat

And a few which are always worth a viewing:

Scum
Total Recall
Memento
Empire of the Sun
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
The Incredibles
The Jungle Book
License to Drive

Top 10 Songs from the Last 10 Years

It's going to take me a while to remember what was in the hit parade.

1996 - Oasis - Champagne Supernova
1997 - The Verve - Lucky Man
1998 - Radiohead - Lucky
1999 - Gomez - Devil Will Ride
2000 - U2 - Beautiful Day
2001 - Train - Drops of Jupiter
2002 - Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
2003 -
2004 - Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter
2005 - Coldplay - Fix You
2006 -

To be continued, and updated as I remember more songs that have tickled my earsdrums. I'm not sure a decent song has been released in 2006 yet...

Top 10 Favourite Books

1. Papillon - Henri Charriere
2. The Kiterunner - Khaled Hosseini
3. Taipan - James Clavell
4. From Russia with Love - Ian Fleming
5. Rules of Engagement - Tim Collins
6. Shadow over Babylon - David Mason
7. Legionnaire - Simon Murray
8. The Damage Done - Warren Fellows
9. Marching Powder - Dusty Young
10. DC Confidential - Christopher Mayer